Inside out –mielen sopukoissa
- monicatuikka
- 10 aug 2015
- 5 minuten om te lezen
Wedding. Something we want to think happens only once. Something we plan only once. A celebration to remember for the rest of our days. Truth is. Proximately 39% of first marriages in Finland end in divorce. Truth is, finish marriage last proximately 9 years. Truth is, that we make our live. We can choose to be afraid of the facts and let people around us make us fear and give up our believe.
Or we can choose to believe in our self and our partner instead of facts. Yes, I know divorces happen. I have seen it happen in my own life. I have seen it in tv-programs and magazines. I am not blind. I just choose to believe I know what I am doing and I know I don´t know what future brings. I can only trust in my feelings and my partners’ feelings. We have said to our self countless times, that we want to stay together and learn to live in the changing circle of life. I know there must come moment when I absolutely wonder why I am with mr J. I understand, that no one is perfect and that we are young and naïve in many ways. I know I love him and he loves me. We know what we want from this wedding. We want to say a promise out loud in front of friends and family, a promise we don´t want to break. We will promise to stay together in ups and downs. We will support each other and we will give room for our own lives too. We are two people living together.
I wanted to start with this text, because I feel sometimes people think I am not thinking this through. Some may get blinded by my wedding planning talk and think that I am only thinking of a party and not the life after it. Truth is, I want this to be our one and only wedding. And I have right to be excited, since I can´t plan weddings after the wedding. So, yes, I will be talking about it and I will be thinking about it. Since I never thought I would get to this point so I want to take as much of it out as possible. So it will not be just one day that starts (already started) life together with the man I love. One day can go so fast, so why not live the day a bit more before? Looking at our wedding rings, talking about nerdy decorations or trying to plan the wedding dress and grooms clothing. If I can´t have that excitement now, then when?

Fight club
One thing that has been a problem and seems lately even bigger problem, is sharing excitements and frustrations with other brides. I have been in this Facebook group for people who are getting married in 2016. It has been a nice entertainment and way of passing time. I can read other brides thoughts and ideas about the wedding and maybe share some thoughts of my own. Greatest thing about the group has been the possibility to shear more details about the wedding that I don´t want to put in the blog, like invitation plans, decoration plans and images of our rings and cake topper. Some things need to remain a surprise for our wedding guests.
But sometimes I feel so outsider in the group. Like the conversations about the first dance. I can´t really even get myself to think about our dance, since I can´t get a good vison in my head. My vision is the same as everyone else in the group. Two standing people moving with the music more or less elegantly. In one of my early blog post I already told how difficult I still am with this electric wheelchair.
Lately I feel so lost. I want to be able to chat easily with everyone, but I keep getting a deeper meaning to the talks. Latest conversation that caught my attention was about tight mermaid dresses and how to go to toilet with them. Mermaid dresses look so wonderful, it mainly makes the persons body look perfect. But it is tight and like most wedding dresses has a lot of fabric. People were wondering how to survive when needing to go to toilet with a dress like that. What if it takes a unusually long time? What if there has to be a maid of honor or brides mum to help. What if there is the smellier need instead of just peeing. Grande catastrophe. How funny it would be to have someone to help at the toilet. How ridiculous it would feel to go to a toilet with someone. etc.
I was reading this conversation late in the evening. Having finished planning interviews for possible new personal assistant for me. I felt lost again. People have these problems in the Facebook group and I can relate to them. And also I can´t. I totally understand what they are thinking, but at that moment, I felt overwhelming anger. These people have the chance to choose a close friend they know to have as their helper in their important day. These people can also choose to have a dress in what they can go to the toilet alone. I can´t. I will need help at the toilet no matter what. I will most likely have the new assistant at the wedding as my helper or another one I have known now 1 year. I can´t skip the fact that I will need help. I also feel that it is ridiculous. I also wouldn´t want to need help at the toilet. I still don´t want to need help. At least they can choose different dress to avoid that, different but still pretty. For me it is about trying to figure a dress that would look pretty even though I need to survive with it at the toilet. Most dress options are not at all available for me. And it frustrates me. It makes me sad and hate my situation as a wheelchair user.
I ended up writing quite hard text about how people should suck it up and deal with it for one day since they have to chance to choose. I end up having my message getting deleted from the conversation and everyone is saying how the conversation was just joking around and how some people still can have problems going to the toilet with another people even though I might gotten used to it.
In no point had I said I had gotten used to it. And in no point does it make me feel any better that their jokes are real life for me. And I still feel hurted and lost. I am so different from all these other brides. I also feel I am different from any disabled brides I know. They all seem to have been totally cool about their disabilities. So I am lost and alone.
I know this is hard to explain. Too much frustration is running thru me right now to really get it out of me what I am trying to say. All I want is also to feel pretty and happy. Right now I feel there is no-one to share all the frustration I have about my situation. I even know this frustration is stupid and is actually more than just about the wedding. I know it is just a day. What comes after it is more important. But is it wrong from me to hope for a dream come true wedding? Is it wrong from me to judge other people’s problems because they have it better and easier than me? Is it wrong to say out loud how people don´t realize how lucky they are to have actually working arms and legs? Is it wrong from me to be jealous of not been able to have same type of silly problems that can be so easily solved? I am not always strong and happy person. Not all wheelchair users are used to their life style. And wedding day happens to make every normal problem a bit bigger.

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